I AM A WARRIOR! I am too strong to let this beat me! I will not let this beat me! And I know that, I just can't see how I am going to get though to the other side of this emotional, dark, sad, angry, betrayed, disappointed tunnel. I just, I can't see the end. It's like, I KNOW that I am standing. Standing firm on the rock that my God has built just for me. But I FEEL like I am falling. Like my knees are buckling, legs giving out, crumpling on the floor. How is it that I know one thing, but feel something completely different? I KNOW I will make it though this, I just don't FEEL like I can.
So I have had this song on repeat all day. I am standing, I know that. I will stand though this, I will be strong through this, I will fight no matter what because that just is who I am. I am just trying to figure out how to feel like I am still standing.
Stand in the rain-Superchick
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I am blonde!
I almost forgot one for the bucket list...
12. Get a tattoo...I have been dieing for one for so long but keep putting it of because of nerves and then money, money then nerves. But this year it will happen!
12. Get a tattoo...I have been dieing for one for so long but keep putting it of because of nerves and then money, money then nerves. But this year it will happen!
My first day in a new body
So I have never done the blogging gig before, but I feel like this could be a really great way to talk though some stuff that I have been dealing with and just get it out of my system. I am not really sure how this will work, but I feel like at this rate, anything is worth a shot. So here goes.
First day in a new body. That is what it felt like the day I broke up with my fiance of three years. It was a surreal kind of feeling. I had spent 3 years with this guy, living with him for about 2 and a half of that. We were so closely intertwined that no one thought of one of us without thinking of the other as well, speaking of one of us without the other part of the conversation too. I invested so much of my time, energy, and being into him. I did everything for him and gave up so much of who I was and what I wanted for him. I would venture to guess that is why it was so hard to give us up, why I denied that we were failing for so long. I felt like I had invested so much in him that eventually he would have to get better...he would have to change. But he didn't. When I finally realized that he never would, my world came crashing down in less than a week. I finally realized (with much help from my mother...thank you) that he would never be the MAN that I needed him to be. He would never grow up and assume the responsibility of being a husband or a father (because we were trying...stupid I know).
I came home from his place one night and had been crying the entire way and I didn't know why. I only got pieces of what my heart was trying to tell me. My mom obviously asked what was wrong and I told that I didn't now, honestly didn't know. I had felt like I was loosing myself, like I didn't know who I was anymore, like these things that I had always wanted just didn't seam as important anymore. And my mother, God bless her, looked at me and told me that I was unhappy, that I was putting so much of myself into him that I was loosing me altogether. And it clicked I guess. I understood why I was crying, why I had been so unhappy. I was unhappy with him, with us, with what he had done to me. He had taken away the woman with a backbone that I used to be. He had taken so much from me that I could not see myself through him. So a few days later I went back to his place (with my support from my mom), gave him the ring back and told him it was over and I had to leave. I had to leave if I ever wanted those pieces of me back. If I ever wanted to do anything with my life I needed to leave him behind because he was stick and dragging me down with him.
My mother had phrased what I was feeling perfectly. She was speaking to her friend on the phone about what happened and did not realize that I could hear. But she said that I was tired of being disappointed in him. And she was absolutely 100 percent right. That was exactly it. I was all done being disappointed in who he was and his inaction with everything. I was done giving up myself, what I wanted, my hopes and dreams, my drive, my backbone, my life, to be disappointed in someone that I loved with all of my being but in the end knew would never change. I just couldn't do it anymore.
So, I just reread though what I had written and decided that was not exactly what I had set out to write...but I guess I needed to get it out just the same. I had intended to share my new outlook that will hopefully stick around. I have decided that while I have been though a lot, especially in this past year, more than any one person deserves really, I am going into this new year with new hope. I have decided that I am no longer going to demand control of every situation. I AM going to let GOD'S will be done in my life. I AM going to let HIM control whether it feels comfy or not because it is fairly obvious that I am not doing such a good job on my own.
I got this idea from a friend of mine, and I am sorry if you feel like I am reining on your parade, but I just loved the idea. A bucket list, not of things to do before I die (that will come later...I am working on it) but things I want done in this new year of 2010. This will be my first year in my new body and I want it to be spectacular! So...he goes my bucket list for 2010.
1. Learn how to love myself.
2. Take this semester as a break from the craziness of school and allow myself to relax. Then next fall I will get back on track and do this school think for real.
3. Save money so I am not so stressed all the time about how much I owe who.
4. Take kickboxing again. I loved that shit!
5. Get my medical issues under control. I am seriously sick of having a migraine all the time and not being able to eat normal food because my stomach is so screwed up.
6. Loose 20 pounds...yep that's right 20 pounds. Granted the medical things need to come first cause that is part of the problem, but it will happen.
7. Make a concerted effort at making new friends and rebuilding relationships with old friends. I am tired of being lonely all the time.
8. Keep my room/car mostly tidy and organized all the time. I am starting to get annoyed at myself for letting things go like I do.
9. Be better about keeping up with my laundry. Man do I hate laundry.
10. Step outside my comfort zone. I will never get used to new things if I don't try.
11. Stop worrying/stressing over finding a good guy for me. I am letting God handle that one.
Well I guess that is about it for now. Until next time.
Ju-ju
First day in a new body. That is what it felt like the day I broke up with my fiance of three years. It was a surreal kind of feeling. I had spent 3 years with this guy, living with him for about 2 and a half of that. We were so closely intertwined that no one thought of one of us without thinking of the other as well, speaking of one of us without the other part of the conversation too. I invested so much of my time, energy, and being into him. I did everything for him and gave up so much of who I was and what I wanted for him. I would venture to guess that is why it was so hard to give us up, why I denied that we were failing for so long. I felt like I had invested so much in him that eventually he would have to get better...he would have to change. But he didn't. When I finally realized that he never would, my world came crashing down in less than a week. I finally realized (with much help from my mother...thank you) that he would never be the MAN that I needed him to be. He would never grow up and assume the responsibility of being a husband or a father (because we were trying...stupid I know).
I came home from his place one night and had been crying the entire way and I didn't know why. I only got pieces of what my heart was trying to tell me. My mom obviously asked what was wrong and I told that I didn't now, honestly didn't know. I had felt like I was loosing myself, like I didn't know who I was anymore, like these things that I had always wanted just didn't seam as important anymore. And my mother, God bless her, looked at me and told me that I was unhappy, that I was putting so much of myself into him that I was loosing me altogether. And it clicked I guess. I understood why I was crying, why I had been so unhappy. I was unhappy with him, with us, with what he had done to me. He had taken away the woman with a backbone that I used to be. He had taken so much from me that I could not see myself through him. So a few days later I went back to his place (with my support from my mom), gave him the ring back and told him it was over and I had to leave. I had to leave if I ever wanted those pieces of me back. If I ever wanted to do anything with my life I needed to leave him behind because he was stick and dragging me down with him.
My mother had phrased what I was feeling perfectly. She was speaking to her friend on the phone about what happened and did not realize that I could hear. But she said that I was tired of being disappointed in him. And she was absolutely 100 percent right. That was exactly it. I was all done being disappointed in who he was and his inaction with everything. I was done giving up myself, what I wanted, my hopes and dreams, my drive, my backbone, my life, to be disappointed in someone that I loved with all of my being but in the end knew would never change. I just couldn't do it anymore.
So, I just reread though what I had written and decided that was not exactly what I had set out to write...but I guess I needed to get it out just the same. I had intended to share my new outlook that will hopefully stick around. I have decided that while I have been though a lot, especially in this past year, more than any one person deserves really, I am going into this new year with new hope. I have decided that I am no longer going to demand control of every situation. I AM going to let GOD'S will be done in my life. I AM going to let HIM control whether it feels comfy or not because it is fairly obvious that I am not doing such a good job on my own.
I got this idea from a friend of mine, and I am sorry if you feel like I am reining on your parade, but I just loved the idea. A bucket list, not of things to do before I die (that will come later...I am working on it) but things I want done in this new year of 2010. This will be my first year in my new body and I want it to be spectacular! So...he goes my bucket list for 2010.
1. Learn how to love myself.
2. Take this semester as a break from the craziness of school and allow myself to relax. Then next fall I will get back on track and do this school think for real.
3. Save money so I am not so stressed all the time about how much I owe who.
4. Take kickboxing again. I loved that shit!
5. Get my medical issues under control. I am seriously sick of having a migraine all the time and not being able to eat normal food because my stomach is so screwed up.
6. Loose 20 pounds...yep that's right 20 pounds. Granted the medical things need to come first cause that is part of the problem, but it will happen.
7. Make a concerted effort at making new friends and rebuilding relationships with old friends. I am tired of being lonely all the time.
8. Keep my room/car mostly tidy and organized all the time. I am starting to get annoyed at myself for letting things go like I do.
9. Be better about keeping up with my laundry. Man do I hate laundry.
10. Step outside my comfort zone. I will never get used to new things if I don't try.
11. Stop worrying/stressing over finding a good guy for me. I am letting God handle that one.
Well I guess that is about it for now. Until next time.
Ju-ju
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